Alone
by evening spirit
Summary: Dean doesn't remember Hell, oh no. And Sam feels Dean hasn't changed. Spoilers for the first four episodes of season four.
1. Alone

Disclaimer: the characters and the universe of "Supernatural" belong to its creators. I'm only having fun.

Summary: Dean doesn't remember Hell, oh no. "Metamorphosis" coda with addendum

A/N: just my take on things, probably way off base, but I like me some Dean-angsting. Enjoy!

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Alone.

--

It comes in gasps. Bursts of pain filled screams. A moment, a blink of an eye, a dream, but Dean feels his chest rip open with paralyzing fear. A shriek chokes his throat like ice. Ice so cold it burns.

"What were you dreaming about?" Castiel asked, as if he knew, or maybe didn't know.

"What was Hell like?" Sam asked, all compasionate, then.

"I don't remember. Must have blocked it out."

Why doesn't he remember? Is that the angel protecting him, or his own mind? If the latter, is his mind strong enough to withhold the assault of the memories much longer? How much longer?

Dean forgets.

He woke up, travelled all the way to thirty something years ago, returned and was told that his brother betrayed him. He doesn't want to take it personal, tries to think about the big picture, Yellow Eyes' End-Game, God's plans and Angels, but all it comes down to -- is that Sammy betrayed him. How silly is that?

"You weren't using your powers?"

"It was practicly your dying wish!"

Sam lied.

"You have to stop him, or else we will."

Dean wants to stop Sam. He drives around town thinking of how and what to say, and his mind is blank. The echo of fear creeps in his stomach and he knows that had he tried, he would feel it. Real fear, nothing like it!

He doesn't want to remember Hell.

When he stops outside the motel, he thinks about all Cas had said. That Sam is following the path laid out in front of him by Yellow Eyes, that he's using demonic powers to get rid of demons and God only knows what may come out of it. Or in fact not even God knows. Yellow Eyes knew. Him and, oh-- Ruby!

Yes, Ruby knows it too, the bitch.

How could Sam fall for her? The rage is back, like one Dean can't remember ever feeling before, well, maybe in those memories he doesn't have. The echo of ice-choking terror. And suddenly Dean doesn't want to be near Sam, because he feels he could kill him for that betrayal. Because he does take it personal, damn it! Because it's all about him giving up the last hope of being saved -- the hope that meant using the powers. And Dean would never allow Sam to use the powers. But as it turned out -- whatever he'd chose to do, he'd do wrong.

Ruby was right there, waiting.

So go ahead Sam, you and Ruby do just fine!

Except not, Sam beggs forgiveness, he tries to explain himself and Dean hits him for it. Twice. So much pain. But he can handle it, he will, for his brother, because he did endure more. So much more he doesn't even know, himself.

--

They drive to Missouri and Dean is glad they drive at night, because he doesn't have to dream. He tells Sam everything, because he doesn't want secrets between them. No more secrets, that's his new mantra, so he even admits that their grandparents' names were Samuel and Deanna. And Sam doesn't tease him about it. He asks about Mom, and it hurts to remember how funny and smart she was. How hopeful.

The ilusion of brotherly understanding is shattered when Sam gets all bitter and wonders for what-- "All family murdered, and for what? So Yellow Eyes could get in my nursery and bleed in my mouth?"

That startles Dean. He thinks, tries to remember what he said and what he didn't say. He wasn't attemptin to deliberatelly hold out anything before Sam, he's sure of it. Or was he? Did he try to conceal some of the things that Yellow Eyes told him in order to protect his brother? Does that even matter? He knows though that he never said anything about demon blood.

"You knew about that?"

"Yeah," Sam's reluctant, but says it. "For about a year."

That's a new one! Or not new, just another concealed truth.

"Whatever. You don't wanna tell me you don't have to; it's fine."

"Dean--"

And then silence. Is that all that's left between them? Lies and silence. Dean remembers -- the echo of loneliness one can't experience on earth. He doesn't feel it, it's not there. Sam is next to him and distant as they are, they are still together. Dean remembers -- clearly -- their closeness, their love, like it was yesterday. Three weeks ago. But he knows these were months for Sam.

--

They learn what's out of the ordinary about Jack, they meet up with Travis, and then--

"Crash for a moment boys, you both look exhausted."

Dean is greatful for that, careless, because he forgot. And when he closes his eyes it's back, it's all back, everything clear and open like a cut through the intestines, the scream burning in a throat that does not exist, because it's the very soul screaming, crying for help, but there's no help, no hope, no hope! No one there, alone. Alone! _Alone! _And he knows he's been down there for years or more, more than time, eternal without beginning and without end, and in truth he's still there, because there's no change where there's no time, this is just a blink of an eye of an angel that he's out here, they have no idea . . .

When he wakes up the memories curl up inside, leaving only the echo, the imprint of the light on the back of his eyelids, and Dean is surprised the whole world doesn't stand at his bedside, hovering above him with fright, because he was screaming so loud. But it was his sould screaming, not his body, so why would anyone notice? He doesn't even notice himself, he refuses to.

Sam is gone. "Research," Travis shruggs, nor quite understanding, and then explains to Dean how to kill a rugaru. With fire. Is there fire in Hell? Everybody says there is, but Dean doesn't remember the details, it's all just a general fear and pain and scream and _Alone!_ And he doesn't remember that either, not really.

When Sam returns he's adamant about not killing Jack, because maybe -- _maybe!_ -- he will not turn evil. And while part of Dean really wants to understand that, Sam's whole attitude starts to get on his nerves. Sam even refuses to see what's right in front of him: that he's comparing himself to Jack.

"You sure your emotions aren't getting in the way here?" Dean asks, and Sam looks at him incredulously.

Asks, "What are you talking about?" like he doesn't know. And when Dean lays it clear in front of him, -- nice dude, but has something evil inside him, -- all Sam can say to it, is: "Stop the car!" And backs it up with, "Stop the car, or I will!" Like Castiel.

Dean wonders if Sam is aware that he's echoing the angel, but he stops. Apparently he's easy to bend if he's blackmailed like this.

Sam storms out of the car, slamming the door hard. He screams out the answers. "I've been lying to you, because you look at me like I'm a freak!"

Dean tries to deflect; he does not, he really does not, never did. Sam's the best thing that ever happened to him, he'd do everything for his brother. He _did _everything! But Sam doesn't even let say, "I do not."

"Or even worse," he yells. "Like I'm an idiot, like I don't know the difference between right and wrong."

And Dean doesn't know any more. Does Sam know the difference? "You've been kinda strolling the dark road lately!"

"You have no idea what I'm going through." Sam deflects. "None."

"Then enlighten me!" Dean screams before that little pang in him that says 'and what about me, what about what I'm going through?' will grow and make him talk, make him remember what he forgot.

Sam yaps about demon blood, the desease that cannot be ripped out, and Dean wonders what he's even doing there. He wasn't chosen by the Yellow Eyes to fulfill some evil plans. He has no excuse, and nothing to cling to.

"I'm just trying to take this--" Sam's voice falters. "This curse-- and make something good out of it." And Dean has a flash. How can he compare those two experiences? He realizes he really doesn't have a clue about what's Sam going through and how hard he struggles to keep things on the right side of that very thin line. What could even an angel know about it? How dare Castiel tell him to stop Sam, when Sam isn't doing anything wrong! Or at least doesn't intend to do something wrong--

They go talk to the guy. To Jack.

--

And they fail. And then everything fails and Jack turns, and perhaps he would have turned anyway, or perhaps it's Travis's fault, who are they to say what would happen if-- Sam kills Jack, burns him down. And it's the right thing. It's supposed to be the right thing.

But Sam doesn't want to talk about it. It's a first that Sam doesn't want to talk and Dean does. He misses talking to Sam, longs for it, and it's an almost physical ache. Because when they don't talk, when they sit in silence it's almost as if he was _Alone_, the echo of real loneliness, the one that can't be experienced on earth. So he tries.

"What? You don't want to talk? You?" It feels like begging, almost.

"There's nothing more to say!" Sam pushes him away. "I can't keep explaining myself to you, I can't make you understand."

"Why don't you try?"

"I can't. Because this thing, this-- this blood-- it's not in you the way it's in me." Another thing separating them. "It's just something I gotta deal with."

He means he's gotta deal with it alone, but he has no idea what he's talking about. He doesn't know what _Alone_ means. Dean says it, as much of it as he dares. Two words, because he can't say more, no one would understand.

"Not alone."

--

.end

--

Thank you for reading, and please, if you enjoyed it, do tell me.


	2. No Different

Disclaimer: the characters and the universe of "Supernatural" belong to its creators. I'm only having fun.

Summary: Which hell was more hellish? Sam ponders on his four lonely months.

A/N: A companion piece of sorts to the previous chapter.

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**No Different**

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After the initial shock of seeing his brother alive had passed, Sam started noticing things. For example how Dean looked like nothing happened. He had died. He had gone to Hell. His body rotted in the ground for four months.

And yet he hadn't changed.

He could still eat for two, he was cracking jokes left and right, and he was bossing around, the older brother know-it-all.

At first Sam felt sorry for him. Dean had been in Hell, that must have been . . . Must have been beyond anything he could imagine.

But Dean didn't remember. "Must have blocked it out," he shrugged it off.

And Sam started feeling jealous.

Because for him those four months were hell. Without Dean, with the weight of guilt, regret, remorse crushing him down. Thinking about what his brother was enduring down there--

That was one thing; another was the slowly emerging awareness that the way he had defended himself before Lilith -- it had been with the use of his psychic powers.

He had promised Dean he would not use them. He hadn't used them to defeat Lilith and save his brother's life! And then . . . then he'd selfishly saved himself. As if he needed to fuel his guilt even further.

Ruby explained it to him, told him how he shouldn't blame himself, how he should use the powers for something good. Taught him to exorcise demons with his mind.

Sam needed Dean more then ever when Ruby was slowly melting his resolve. He needed Dean's adamant hate of the demons; his 'they want us dead, we want them dead'. Sam tried to remember Dean's voice, but it was weaker and weaker and he finally succumbed. He gave up trying to get Dean back from the pit. He gave up fighting against his destiny. He gave up himself.

And then Dean returned.

And he wasn't changed.

All this time, all those four months Sam had been thinking about how much his brother suffered. Because of his own stupidity to make the deal in the first place, but also because of Sam's incompetence, his lack of forcefulness, his cowardice. If he had only given in to the powers a few months earlier! Because he had done it anyway, but if he had done it earlier!--

For a while he'd thought he would get Dean back, and that Dean would be broken, because Hell would break one's soul. He had worried how he would deal with broken Dean. Then he wanted Dean whichever way, even if he would be broken beyond repair, because then he wouldn't at least suffer any longer. Then he had given up hoping.

And then Dean returned and he wasn't broken at all.

And Sam realized he was. He was broken and nothing could fix him.

--

Dean was open and honest. He had always been open and honest, heart on his sleeve, but it had never made Sam angry, not like it did when Dean shared every little detail of his encounter with Castiel.

Because Sam was not open and honest, because he'd lied to Dean, and he was lying still and it made him feel like he was the sinful one. Perhaps he was; he was tainted with demon blood after all. Perhaps God thought so too.

God in whom he'd believed all his life, while his brother had not. God whom he prayed to. God had sent an angel to drag Dean from the pit.

Not that Sam wasn't grateful; he was! He had tried opening the Devil's Gate, he had tried making a deal, but he had also prayed, and it was the prayer that was answered, or maybe it was a coincidence, but whatever. Dean was back, and he was groped by the Angel of the Lord.

Except that Dean refused to believe it.

"He's some kind of a demon," he argued and it sounded like a blasphemy to Sam. "Demons lie! I'm not gonna believe this thing is a freaking 'angel of the lord' because it said so!"

Bobby backed up Castiel's case. "An angel can snatch a soul from the pit. As far as I can tell, nothing else could do that."

It was a good thing for God's sake! Why couldn't Dean just accept it? Something good finally happened to them, to him. Sam wished an angel would come to him, save him from his little personal hell, he would surely be more greatful than Dean!

Instead all he got was more guilt. All the people, all the innocent people he couldn't save. People who were posessed by demons because demons were after him, because of his blood, and mysterious psychic powers. At least now, with the use of those powers he was able to save most victims. And so what if Meg reminded him that Ruby, the demon who was helping him, was posessing people too! So what if Ruby herself was too scared of an angel to even stick by him!--

And when he managed to convince her that they should continue their quest, because frankly he had nothing else left, the angel came and told Dean all about it, and told Dean that he needed to be stopped!

"Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see." Seeing that pain on Dean's face was worse than the two punches delivered earlier. Because Dean cared, obviously and Sam knew, as he had known for four months that he had made a mistake. He could justify it all he wanted, but deep inside he had known all along it had been wrong.

And now even God made him see that he was wrong.

What did he ever do to deserve this? Other than accepting who he was, but that was rather a result than a cause. Before that, he'd fought against becoming the Yellow Eyes' tool. After that he'd fought too, he'd tried to take this curse and make something good out of it. All his life had been about trying to make something good out of what happened to them. Only to find out, eventually, that all of his family all his loved ones had been murdered for the sole reason of him becoming Yellow Eyes' favorite pet!

Dean was all that he had left.

And even that didn't feel real any more. The connection they used to have was lost and Sam didn't know if it was him pushing Dean away, or if it was simply the fact that Dean couldn't comprehend the four months gap separating them. He listened, he nodded, when Sam was telling that he had had to keep going on his own, but deep inside -- he simply wasn't able to grasp it.

At moments like this Sam wished Dean had some memories of Hell; he wished Dean shared some of his pain. He was alone, and wherever he turned he saw more and more things that separated him from his brother. The memories, or lack thereof. The fact that he suffered losing Dean, while Dean had simply made a deal that one year and four months ago. The demon blood that flew through his veins and didn through Dean's. "It's not in you the way it's in me," he told Dean. "I can't make you understand."

Dean wanted to understand. But there was no way he could.

Sam had to deal with it alone, even though his brother was back, because Dean was unable to see how the world had changed while he'd been gone.

--  
.end

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